Parents Advice

Home for the winter holidays

As winter break approaches, a campus psychologist offers tips on navigating the winds of change that come home with new college students

By Nancy Bronstein

Peg Skorpinski photo

Fall 2007 | There’s nothing like anticipating your college student’s homecoming, savoring the prospect of family togetherness after months of separation. Yet sometimes, beneath the excitement lies a shadow of concern about how well the visit will go.

Holiday reunions, especially the first few, can advertise like glaring billboards the big changes stirring in your child. He’s home, but now he eats only raw food. She’s home but relishes her new-found independence and flaunts it with an agenda all her own. Your kids have been independent, living a life with plenty that may be off your radar as a parent. They are happy to be home, but maybe on new and unexpected terms.

Campus psychologist Gloria Saito. Peg Skorpinski photo

So, if you’re thrown a bit off balance by your changed child, clinical psychologist Gloria Saito of University Health Services has some coping strategies for you. It all begins, she says, with keeping the lines of communication wide open.

Be who you are and who your kids expect you to be. You’re the anchor and the rock. They need you to be there.
Let them take the lead. You may be bursting with questions, but your need to know might be overwhelming to them. Pace yourself and listen when they’re ready to talk.
Don’t hold on too tight. The big issues won’t all be figured out in a holiday visit. It’s an ongoing process with growing pains on both sides.
Give them the space they need. Don’t impose your own perspective or your own histories of how it was in your day. Just let them know you’re there any time they want to talk.
Be on the lookout for red flags, but avoid being too judgmental about drugs, alcohol, or sexual experimentation. How you’ve communicated with your student in the past should signal how to proceed now.
The new ideas they bring home might surprise you. Be curious; it’s a valuable coping tool. Express your thoughts openly, but listen to your tone. A lot comes through in the sound of your voice.
Negotiate, and practice the art of compromise. (For example, they want to see their friends, who are all back home too, but you want them with the family as much as possible. Ask them to set aside some family time, along with time for their friends.) Realize that now you’re negotiating with your independent, sophisticated 18-year-old college student, not your 17-year-old high school student. It’s different.

And when the holidays are over, know that saying goodbye will reactivate those feelings of loss and separation in everyone. Anticipate it for yourself. Know you’ll get over it and so will your child. Let them know you’ll still be their anchor, just like before.

For more tips for parents, explore
calparents.berkeley.edu, and click on “Advice & Help” or “Health.”